Living with a child, especially one in the pre-teen or teenage years, can be particularly challenging. What happened? How did this once sweet-tempered, polite and obedient little girl (well, relatively!) turn so mean and hateful to her parents? She truly seems at times to be filled with animosity, scorn, and sarcasm. WhatEVER!
Well, here’s a surprise: kids do not disclose their true feelings towards their parents.
Over the span of the past 25 years, I have been working directly and indirectly with parents and families who are in varying degrees of turmoil - from parents of children who are at times disrespectful and disobeying, to parents of children who have more severe issues and who are in treatment of one kind or another. The spectrum of this type of behavior ranges wildly at times from stubborn refusal to comply with common parental requests to outright defiance to family rules. The focus of my intervention is to help parents deal with their own feelings of inadequacy as well as their children’s behavior. Some of these parents feel helpless and heart-broken at times, and some parents feel that they may lose hope.
But here is an interesting fact that I’ve observed, time and time again. Kids who are in treatment, these same inconsiderate and seemingly uncaring children will, without exception, write the most sincere and loving letters to their parents as part of an exercise or when just given the chance to fully and honestly express themselves. These kids don’t get points for the content of their letters, they are told just to be honest in their notes to their parents. No matter how spotty the history, these children invariably tell their parents how happy they will be to see them or talk to them and how much they care. I have seen this over and over again.
With the right combination of parenting combined with the right advice or intervention, things can and do change. These children LIED when they told their parents how much they hated them: it took patience and intervention to allow these children to face their emotions and express their genuine feelings of love. ALL children, to varying degrees, lie to their parents about their feelings for and about them. Sometimes it takes a great crisis for the truth to out, sometimes it takes some degrees of growth and maturity, but it always takes patience and understanding.
My advice to all parents is to not buy into their kids’ crazy behavior. Don’t believe your children when they say they hate you, when they say you’re ruining their lives, or any of the other nasty and demeaning statements they will say to you in fits of anger and frustration. You may be the only person they can trust enough to vent to!
The message here for all well-meaning parents who are trying to show love, support and genuine caring for their children, is this: Don’t quit. Believe me, I’ve seen this over and over again - hang in there and don’t quit: things WILL change. If you find yourself believing the hurtful things your child may say, you will lose out as a parent and the risk is that your child may well have more of a struggle than is warranted.
Part 2 of this article will cover children’s behavior and parental self-esteem and Part 3 will talk about recent research that uncovered that fact that – guess what? You are really a hero to your kids!
See the ParentIQ course Codependency vs. Independence and the article Communicating with Adolescents for more information.
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About Mark Hobbins
For more than 20 years, Mark has helped families whose children had gone too far down the road of self-defeating and even self-destructive behaviors -- families who needed intervention to rescue the child and heal the family. Mark created FamilyIQ with the mission of prevention, of building stronger, and more fulfilling families today.
Mark Hobbins has enjoyed an illustrious career in mental health and therapeutic education. He is a co-founder of the Aspen Education Group and is a past member of the Colleague Panel for the Council on Accreditation of Services to Families and Children. He is a consulting expert for numerous media outlets including CBS, NBC, ABC, People Magazine, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, LA Times, and the NY Times. He has consulted with and appeared on various television shows throughout the world including BRAT CAMP, Britain‘s Youngest Boozers, Tyra Banks and Dr. Phil shows. Mark has authored and co-authored many articles, courses and workbooks.
Mark is the husband of Diane and the father of seven wonderful children (and a grandfather as well!)
Mark Hobbins can come to YOUR area and present a 45-60 minute seminar on parenting and relationships. Some of the topics covered are ‘The Teenage Brain,‘ ‘Setting Effective Limits with Your Children,‘ ‘The Love Language,‘ ‘What is Your Parenting Style?‘ To request Mark Hobbins as a speaker or keynote presenter, please call FamilyIQ 949-709-1120 or 888-326-5947 x102 or send email to slandes@familyiq.com.
